Mar 7, 2013 11:30pm PST
but to send their top negotiator dennis rodman for some basketball diplomacy. after all it worked at the conference with stalin. he backed down pretty quick after getting tomahawk dunked on by fdr. [laughter] we learned it failed. >> breaking this morning north korea vows to launch a nuclear strike against the united states. >> the war of words escalating. >> north korea threatening to turn washington into a sea. >> stephen: north korea is willing to go to any lengths to -- please pay attention to us. can i do a cannon ball, look! we should this coming. the signs were everywhere and i mean -- i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. north korea's news leader which last month broadcast this official state video foreshadowing the coming hellfire. ♪ ♪ [instrumental music of "we are the word" playing -- the world" playing] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: folks, that is not only a dark depiction of an attack on the united states but it's also the world's most disturbing karaoke video. [laughter] for those of you who may not have picked up on the sult nuances it depicts a man dreaming of a north
Mar 5, 2013 11:30pm PST
answer. >> millionaire space tourist dennis tito wants to send two people to the red planet on a 500-day journey. >> he is convinced it will be feasible by 2018. >> we have not sent humans beyond the moon in 40 years. i've been waiting myself, and a lot of other people my age have been waiting and waiting. >> stephen: that's right. this brave entreprenuer will send two astronauts to mars for the noblest reason there is: impatience. [laughter] it reminds me of john f. kennedy's famous speech about putting a man on the moon, "we choose to go the moon not because it is easy-- but come on, it's got to be easy, right? let's just do it already. just strap a rocket to some guy's back. jeesh!" [laughter] [cheers and applause] be warned folks. this 501-day round-trip flyby is not for the faint of heart because there will be no showers, limits on toilet paper and clothing, drinking water made from the crew members' recycled urine and sweat and almost no privacy. in other words, basically a carnival cruise. [laughter] [cheers and applause] still -- still. being the first human to orbit the red plan
Mar 18, 2013 6:55pm PDT
the neptunes. those beats are fresh. [laughter] next week, this guy gets a web redemption. reginald denny will never slow down again. make sure you tune in to see my new stand-up special, "happy thoughts," premiering on comedy central march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com. okay, a lot of people think i make too many jokes about racial stereotypes, but the truth is black people love me. yeah. and i asked them why on twitter. the only problem is, twitter doesn't have a button that let's you sort people by race. i know. total flaw. [laughter] so i have to guess if my followers are black based only on profile pics and tone. your cardigan game is sick. well, then, i know you love colla! [laughter] the white girls in the audience. gotta love that white meat. i like dark meat. i know it's not healthy for you. [laughter] i can't win. haha. you keep it gangsta and speak yo mind, them gay jokes is killin' me tho. makes me wonder hmmm. [laughter] your boyish and somewhat fey charm, combined wit
Mar 26, 2013 9:30am PDT
and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the dennis: no, dude. it's not a question of individual style. it's about having some taste. you're attacking my ability to express myself, dude. how am i attacking your ability to...? i just don't get it. what's not to get? "come to philly for the crack." it has a picture of the liberty bell on it. it's funny and original. it's not fu... how's it funny and original? every (bleep) on south street's wearing a t-shirt with an ironic slogan on it. well, excuse me if all my t-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel. you cut the sleeves off of all of your t-shirts. what, so you can show off your tats? those are really original, dude. - they're tribal. - oh, they're... they're tribal.